Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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