I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
