You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
