i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have tasted many bathrooms
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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