Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
