i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
