life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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