how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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