Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
