My sheets look like a crime scene.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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