Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
