Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
