She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
