My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
4 words: hood of his car
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
