if only i could text you this smell
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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