im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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