he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's never too late to be topless.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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