We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize