remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
