Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
