im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
