her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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