I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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