I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize