My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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