my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
People in love make me want to vomit
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize