Your mouth is God's brothel.
My hand turned me down
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
