go do what you do best...puke behind churches
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
