Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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