Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
