i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
