I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
