wakey wakey hands off snakey
People in love make me want to vomit
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
3 2 1 whiskey
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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