he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize