im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
