Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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