I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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