his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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