I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
