just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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