i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize