One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
