So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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