John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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