I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
