you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize