ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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