Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
