Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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