I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
