The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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