The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
