My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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