am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
