just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
