Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize