my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
