someone owes me an orgasm
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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