Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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