Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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