if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
