John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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